Well, the New Year has brought another first for me: vomited on. Yet another load of soiled laundry is running while Annabelle is lethargically watching The Sound of Music on a puffy chair. Barrett was down and out all weekend and by the grace of the Lord, I managed not to join the vomit fest despite being the landing place for projectiles. Yuck.
As you know, this year has brought a lot of heart searching already. Russia has closed its doors to adoption which means we are praying about what to do next. My belly still churns as I think of all who are affected by the signing of a political pen. The orphan who met their new parents only to be told no…yet again. The parents with their child’s room fashioned for their gloriously anticipated home coming, only to be left empty. The orphanages that now will have more children to hold and less families able to adopt. Dreams deferred. Hearts broken. Sadness settling. It is difficult for me to let go of this earthly hope of the child I envisioned to join our family. I feel like I have failed them. Moving to another country, another child almost seems cruel. Am I letting down the little girl or boy that we have wanted and prayed for?
We are also still in the midst of finding out where we will go next year. I told Barrett I would go anywhere but Okinawa. Not because I hate it, but because its so hard to visit family and friends and so expensive to live. I DO hate the summers and heat. I melt and my demeanor changes as I feel like I’m entering an inferno. We have no yard for Annabelle and she just loves playing outside. Well, as of late, Okinawa is the one option that the detailer has given. Perfect. Hope deferred. Heart broken. Sadness settling.
Yet, I find myself clinging to truth: my God is sovereign, good, and right. His plans for me are the BEST. How can that be in the midst of all of this? Honestly, I don’t know yet. I know He never leaves me or forsakes me. I know that there is nothing that can separate me from Him. I know that He is close to the broken hearted. I know that He keeps my tears and hears my cries. I can trust Him as He is Faithful and True. I know that Jesus felt rejected and the pain of loss. I know that he cried in sadness. I know that he hurt for the children and the sick. I do not serve a master that is cruel and not understanding of what I am going through. I rest in that.
Annabelle is still sick and sleeping on the couch. We are still waiting for our child. We still don’t know for sure where we will be this time next year. But I know that I can trust and rest in the One who holds us in his hands.