Tears filled my eyes as I told Barrett I needed to go for a walk. “What’s wrong? Do you want to talk about it?” he asked. “No.” I said as I put on my sunglasses to hide my puffy red and wet eyes.
Do you ever get so overwhelmed with everything that it feels like your skin can’t hold back the burst of physical emotions? That was me yesterday. Here is a little peek of what can take place in my mind in thirty seconds: How could that cat have been killed in the middle of the road when it looks like it dropped from the sky? Will anyone pick it up or will it stay on the ground like the forgotten poopy piles from pets? Wow, Barrett leaves on Thursday. Why is Annabelle whining? Why won’t she drink water? Why can’t I shake this chest cold? If I don’t go to small group this week, then I’ll miss it for a month. Man, I really need to have lunch with her. Where has she been? Who can we have over for dinner? I miss having Aya over. How can I serve Barrett this week? Why do we so often seem to want to do opposite things on any given day? I need to write my “weekly” email. What can I write about? Do I ever want to go on a cruise again? Who will win South Carolina? I think I should start a Bible Study. Is Tom Brady really cocky or is that the media? Is it bad to like the Pats? Should I watch the superbowl alone? How hard will it be to see Barrett leave again? Will Annabelle ever learn to crawl? Why do I keep sinning in the same way? Why can’t I learn that lesson? Why am I so frustrated all the time? Did they really get my order wrong again? I should read more. I hate washing cups.
I burst out of the apartment before my insides burst out of me. Then comes the preaching to myself about what Im putting my faith in…what I do or Christ? How I look to others or Christ? What kind of wife and mom I am or Christ? I walked faster as I realized how easily my sites go off Christ. I want the perfect candidate for president as that is the only hope for America. I want to be the perfect wife and mom so our house will have peace and fun. I want to minister to the Marines and my church friends to be a light and encouragement when hard times come. I want to be a support to the other chaplain spouses as we are in the same stage of life. I want to continue to cultivate my stateside friendships and relationships as they are so important to me. Plus volunteer, go to choir, read, write, train Annabelle and exercise. I’ve switched once again from being a human being to a human doing. When did that happen?
Hmmmm…I praise God for Godly friends and family that remind me consistently that I am not saved from my sins because of what I do or don’t do, but because of what Jesus did on the cross. We live in fellowship for a reason. Yes to share in amazing food and fun, but more importantly to point each other back to the gospel when we strive to be Martha rather than Mary.
Thankfully, I came home, took off my sunglasses and fell into a family hug.