I got a lot done on Friday. I had a great run in the morning and then cleaned the room and bathroom where I am staying here in Louisville and then went to Betsy’s and cleaned Barrett’s room, bathroom and Betsy’s kitchen. Then I tackled the spare room that will become our study. I emptied bookcases so I could move them and then restacked them. I took out all the nails and staples that were left behind after Barrett and I ripped out the rug the night before which revealed a terrific wood floor and removed the pungent smell that hung in the room like stale cabbage in a nursing home. I went on errands for Betsy followed by a walk for fresh air and to enjoy the squirrels, red cardinals, and trees that God placed here. Then, when Barrett came back from class and studying he helped me clean out closets so we could have room for my stuff when its time. Man, we got so much done!! I was excited!
We were going to go to an Oaks party (the filly race the day before the Derby) at 8pm and then out with some singles to see Spiderman 3 that night around 9pm. I knew one person at the party so we talked as it sprinkled and I ate a delicious cheeseburger. Time flew and we had to leave to save seats for the movie. I forgot that theaters here aren’t the same as in Thailand! I was still really hungry and wanted ice cream…in fact, I thought I DESERVED ice cream because I got so much done that day PLUS I ate healthy. Huh. Have you ever had thoughts like that? We were late so I called the people we were meeting and told them we were late. I felt bad as we were supposed to be the older responsible ones and we were late. They were cool and I got off the phone.
I had no idea where the theater was and I was hoping there would be a McDonalds or DQ on the way. No dice. As we pulled into the complex where the theater was we see a Steak and Shake. I’ve never heard of those but we gave it a shot! We go to the drive through and Barrett asked if they had any ice cream. After a sarcastic reply from the unpleasant voice emanating from the menu box about it being Steak and SHAKE, he asked again if they had normal ice cream…something like a blizzard. She said yes so we ordered the gold plated $4 ice cream (prices astound me, but heh, I deserved it, right?)! As he went to grab it we noticed the drink like container and straw given to us. We asked if it was what we ordered and they said yes. “Is it a shake?” “Yes!” Eegads!! I was SO frustrated!! I don’t like shakes…all I wanted was ice cream as I was hungry, late, and thought I deserved it. I would love to tell you I acted pleasantly and shrugged it off with a laugh but the truth is I became like Bill Bo Baggins in Lord of the Rings when he wanted his precious ring back and his face morphed into a demon like hissing figure. I chose poorly and it not only affected me but my sin spilled onto Barrett like milk on the floor from a broken glass.
It struck me how I pattern my days in a works-reward system. I make a list to complete with a definite order and time table and if I don’t complete it, I feel like I failed and don’t deserve anything but if I do complete it then I DO deserve something as a reward! Barrett did a fantastic job of reminding me of the gospel…that as I felt the weight, ugliness, and dumpiness of my sin I needed to look to the cross. I needed to remember that Jesus died for these sins that flesh out in hurtful words and heart attitudes. AND, He died for them not out of compulsion or to be a nice guy, He died for them as an act of mercy to give grace to people like me who can never do anything good enough to deserve it. There is no reward system with God. Whether I complete my list in the correct order or in full does not bring more or less grace. Why do I live my everyday life feeling like I need to do good to honor God better or get grace? Why do I think by doing good God will look down and say, “See? We chose well with this one!” Why do I treat others in the same matter? That I feel more inclined to give grace if they treat me well or if they are nice people? I can’t tell you the depths of despair I felt when I realized what I was doing mentally and practically! I also can’t tell you the joy and release I felt at the communion table this week and as I listened to Pastor Tom preach through Galatians 3 about being free from the law and how dumb it is to act like Im still under it. I can’t tell you how thankful I was to Barrett for lovingly reminding me that yeah, Im a sinner but that I need to look to the cross to bring me joy and not people, my completed list, or ice cream.