“I CAN’T HEAR YOU! IM TRYING, BUT I CAN’T HEAR YOU” I whined to Shinto in my grade 9 class as the hum of the overworked AC in my room blocked out his mouse-like voice as he tried to answer my question on thermal energy. Friday found my nerve status frayed and at an all time high. For some reason Thailand’s heat just found new life and came roaring back with a sweaty vengeance and has added to my frazzled demeanor.
Friday I felt defeated. I started to analyze this year with my students and got depressed as I didn’t see an improvement in them speaking less Thai, being more polite with each other, teachers, and other students, speaking loudly and clearly in class, or coming to class on time. Then I had a meeting with my administrator where he basically said the stuff that causes my frazzledness at this school probably won’t change. Last week all of us teachers had an all day meeting about the mission statement of the school and batted it around for a few hours. Aaron read it to me on Friday and I said its good but that we aren’t doing anything to meet the statement. I had just come from my frustrating classes feeling defeated and then heard a fantastic mission statement that isn’t being met by me. Ugh!!
Isn’t it funny…well, not ha ha funny, ironic funny…that one bad day or couple of hours can spoil an otherwise great week? How true it is that its easier to pull someone down from a table than try to pull them up? I don’t want to fight gravity, its way easier to just stay down than fight or be helped back up! When someone offers me their right hand, I stubbornly shake my head and say that I only grab left hands. Even now, I chose to leave a church picnic/swim party because I didn’t want to face people. How selfish is that?
I guess Im still shouting “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” to God because of all the noise in my life that Im choosing to let in. I could turn off the AC…but then I’d get hot, and you know how angry I get when Im hot…but who said that God only speaks when Im comfortable in my cool AC and all the students are showing signs of improvement? Im dictating to God how I want Him to speak to me and work in my life instead of me turning off the AC and humbly going to God to hear what He’s telling me. Can I really learn to be content outside of turning on the AC?