“Ms Colleen, are you happy with your life?” Ben asks me as he comes into my room after lunch on Friday. “You know Ben, today is not the best day I’ve ever had.” “We’re you crying? Your eyes look…(characteristic jerk of the head and swing of the hair)…like crying.” “I wish I could cry. Im not sure what to show you guys…should I act like everything’s great when its not? Do I be real with you to show you that I have bad days too.?” We talked a bit more and Ben ended with his proud declaration that he can always tell when Im not doing well by looking at my eyes. Smart kid.
The question remained with me like bad perfume in a department store and I struggled with it for the rest of the day as I did for the days before. How much do I show or allow to affect me? How do I continue with my normal routine with my internal chaos?
“Carlie, are you OK?” I asked Carlie after church today. She nodded her head but I didn’t believe her. “Really?” “I found out my Grandma has breast cancer,” she answered with a soft red face that looked ready to let the eye duct floodgates burst. My heart sunk for her. I listened as she told me the story and her love for her grandma was evident as well the pain of being half way around the world from her. Funny how I got to share with her the same question that I had just been mulling…how do we live our daily lives when our minds are elsewhere? I told her I don’t have the answer but that it was OK to have bad days and feel things.
In the midst of this week I was responsible for choosing the songs for today. As we practiced before church I realized how much God ordained them for me even before this week began. I’ve been going through Job in my quiet time and was reminded that my trials are minuscule compared to the utter destruction of Job’s material and familiar life. Yet in the midst of it he says, “He gives and He takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.” Later on he writes, “I know that my redeemer lives and I will stand with Him on that day. Though my flesh be destroyed, yet with my eyes I will see God.” The songs that were chosen had every one of those lines in them and as we practiced it I was in awe of my God who prepared me for what I was to face this week before I knew what would happen…through the trials He is my strength, my redeemer, and that He wins at the end. Not only that but I will SEE God! I will stand WITH Him! Woa!
In the midst of my torturous hyperactive analytical deliberations that can leave me in a frozen state, He brings friends to just sit by me, as well as His Word that gives me hope to a better future. Great is His Faithfulness!