Hard Questions

“Did you meet my mother?”

I was running with a biking Ronnie on Saturday afternoon.  We were on our way home from a four mile break from being inside all day.  We were a bit ahead of Barrett and Lydia who were in the same format as us.  His questioning began with, “How do babies get inside Mommies’ bellies?”  God puts them there.  “How did Annabelle get in your belly?”  God put her there.  “And was daddy in his Mommy’s belly?”  Yes.  “Was I in my Mommy’s belly?”  Yes!  “Did you meet my Mommy?”  No buddy, I didn’t.  But she loved you very much.  “I really miss my mommy.”  What do you miss buddy?  “Her face.  I wonder what she looks like.”  I know what she looks like.  “Really?”  Yes!  She looks a little bit like you and a little bit like Lydia.  “Oh.  I remember her.”  What do you remember?  “I remember her talking to me and playing with me.”  She really loved you buddy.  Do you remember how we read about mom’s and dad’s that couldn’t feed their babies?  “Yes.”  What did they do?  “They gave them to the monastery so they could have a place to eat and sleep.”  Yes! Your mom did the same for you, she loved you enough to let us take care of you.  “Did you try to find her?”  Yes!  They looked for her for four months but couldn’t find her.  “Oh.”  We hope to take you back there someday.  “Really?”  Yes!  “Good.”

“Do you miss my brother and sister?”

Annabelle asked this the day after Barrett read her a book called, The Moon is Always Round.  It was how to talk to your kids about a miscarriage.  I thought it was about going through difficult times…not specifically that.  After he read her that book, she asked him if I ever had babies die.  When he said yes she cried so loudly I could hear her downstairs.  He comforted her and told her to talk to me in the morning.  That morning was Tuesday…three days later.

“Did you name them?”  No baby, I really didn’t know what was going on and was too sad to think.  “Did my brother and sister go to science?”  No baby, they wouldn’t do that without asking us.  “What did they do with them?”

I sat in silence.  I never thought through this questions before.  And how could I tell her they were probably thrown away?  These questions made wonder why I never had thought through these questions before.  I felt heartless.

Baby, I was so sad I just didn’t ask.  “I miss them.  I bet they would be really happy to celebrate my birthday with me.”  Yes, they would.  “Will they be in heaven?”  I don’t know how that works honey, but I know that God is good.  “When I get to heaven I’m going to ask everyone if they have seen my brother and sister.”  You’ll know them immediately.  Do you know that God works good things out of bad?  No one could ever replace those twins.  Ronnie and Lydia are not replacements, no one can replace them, just like no one can replace you.  But, we may never have had the joy of Ronnie and Lydia if those twins were born.  We might not have had the joy of you either if they were born.  Do you know that I shouldn’t have been born either?  My mom had a miscarriage too and if that baby survived, I would have never been born…so you would never be born and our family would not be here.  We grieve over death, all death, but stand in awe of how God made so much good out of so much heartache.

Silence.  I think we both took in the moment and got lost in thoughts.  The feelings of waking up from my surgery and weeping filled my soul.  The loss crushed my spirit.  I didn’t know how to process what had happened and how life could go on.

You know what Annabelle?  “What?”  I learned that it was OK to be sad when the twins died.  “How?”  I thought Christians always had to be happy and I could not make myself happy.  That’s when one of my pastor’s called and said he was so sorry…and I could hear his sobs on the phone.  That opened the floodgates of my tears and made me realize that death is sad and we should grieve.  “Do you remember them?”  I’ll never forget them, but God has made me able to go on and not live in the sadness of the past.  “Oh.”

These were quite a few powerful days for me.  Conversations I didn’t expect to come so young.  It has really made me realize the dance of sorrow and joy.  How death precedes a new kind of life.  I realize this is not a new idea but sometimes it hits me like an anvil.  I’m in a Bible Study that focused on Christ’s life, death, and resurrection this week.  (I don’t believe in luck.  I do believe in Providence and a God who knows all things…including what conversations I would have this week.)  Jesus is the ultimate example of how death brings life.  How sorrow brings joy.  I think of all the disciples who sat silent, stunned, and scared on Friday…and Saturday…and most of Sunday.  Lost, confused, angry.  All their hopes and dreams were dead.  What they thought would happen, didn’t.  Crushed.  Silent.

Then Sunday happened and Christ resurrected conquering death!  Adam’s curse was broken!  Jesus is alive!!  The disciple’s jaw must have dropped, their eyes bugged out, and their heart exploded in joy and wonder!  Their despair turned to euphoric joy.  Beauty from ashes.

Ronnie and Annabelle (and me), were really faced with the sadness of the curse.  But this week reminded me that Jesus came to ultimately do away with this unbearable grief, loss, and confusion.  Jesus paid the consequence for all our sins so in heaven there is only joy.  No sadness, death, or confusion.  Our questions will all be answered there and every tear will be wiped away.  Praise the Lord!