Every military spouse knows that as soon as deployment begins, hard things happen. It just does.
Living on base is fantastic for the outdoor play with all the kids. It’s also hard. Annabelle has been taught all sorts of colorful language, distinctive fingers, and had tough things happen to her. The twins seem to find trouble or make it themselves in the midst of playground play. So I find myself having to have conversations with all of them I didn’t expect to have for a while…yet glad I can have these with them so they don’t learn it from someone else. So in the midst of keeping house, homeschooling, taking out the trash, cooking, cleaning, yard work, and food shopping, I am trying to disciple my kids about where people can touch them and how to be a friend even when you are angry.
Then our renter tells us he’s cutting our lease and leaving in 15 days. Fantastic. How do you make someone pay when the reason they are leaving is they can’t afford the place anymore? I had no idea how to look for a renter. When I asked my brother if I put an ad in the paper, he laughed and wanted the 1990’s back again. Dough. So after posting on Zillow I get a flurry of people interested but how do I show a place when I’m three hours away? How do I decide on a renter with no eyes? I prayed a lot and decided on a particular family and then had to tell all the others, “thank you for your interest but I’ve decided on someone else”. That’s so hard. I breathed a sigh of relief. OK, that trial is done.
Then I get emailed pictures from my new renter on the state of the condo. I was horrified. Now I have to get all new floors while being three hours away before said renter moves in. Not only that, I had to find a company to do it and fund the deal. All this with my littles needing me with their own daily crisis of “he’s copying me! She called me mean! She hit me! Mom, are you listening? I’m so lonely. I miss daddy. Can I have a treat?”
The final unexpected trial was how the twins reacted to Barrett being gone and them realizing they have to do school every day. The defiance, hard heartedness, and constant disobedience have had me in tears. I started doing my own adoption counseling course online to try and figure out how to reach them. Is there behavior due to deployment? Adoption? Genetics? Spiritual/satanic? Twin issues? Ummm…yes. I’m sure it’s all of it. But how do I run a house to the glory of God when all of us are frustrated, angry, and hurt most of the time?
I can’t. I’m realizing that having a stable, happy home may look a lot different for us. We are just always in a state of flux and change. The military life lends itself to this. What I am learning is that knowing I can’t do this is the beginning of something amazing. It’s the beginning of telling God I can’t do this on my own. I need the Spirit every day, every morning, every minute. I am learning to live by his new mercies every morning. We wake up each day knowing it’s a new day. A day where we can choose wisely or foolishly. A day where when we mess up, we fix it and are happy, or we don’t and it’s miserable. We are going to miss events, treats, and fun times due to behavior…we just are. I’m learning how to forgive often even when I don’t feel like it. I’m learning to ask for forgiveness when my anger leads my actions instead of love and compassion. Finally, I’m learning kingdom thinking. We are not guaranteed an easy life. We are actually guaranteed a hard life with pain, suffering, persecution, sin, and death. So as me and my kids encounter it, we remind ourselves that this life is short and eternity is forever. We remind ourselves that heaven is a wonderful place, filled with glory and grace, and we want to see our saviors face because heaven is a wonderful place and we want to go there (sing along you secret Psalty fans). There are no tears, pain, stolen skateboards, skinned knees, lies, sadness, or death. Jesus conquered all that and we have hope for when this earth ends…Jesus wins!
Hard stuff happens when deployments begin but it’s not a surprise to my God. In the Lord’s humor, my bible reading is in Job right now. The final message that Job learns is that he won’t get the answers to his “why is this happening to me” questions, but he does learn how to trust the One who knows all things, created all things, controls all things, and sees Job through all things. OK Lord, me too. Help me to trust you more. Now why is it so quiet it here…gotta go.