I thought I knew what love was. You know, it’s not just a feeling, it’s a choice. I was told my feelings would come and go so I needed to base my love on a choice. Sure, I get that. I counsel that. Then I had kids.
This year has deepened my understanding of love in ways I would not have chosen. You have probably noticed that my time dedicating to writing has dwindled. Much of that has to do with how choosing love has affected my time. This was my first year of homeschooling all three of my kids (7, 4, and 4). Honestly, my goal for the twins has simply been their speech, communication, and how to use a pencil. For all of my kids my desire is to teach them character based on loving God and neighbor. We use this foundation as our motivation in how to work hard and how to learn in school. If you ask them what are our three rules, they will answer (hopefully): listen, obey, and work hard. Basically, they can do anything they want in life with these three abilities, plus the added benefit that people will like them. Insert big smile here. Now, how did this teach me what love is? When they didn’t listen, obey, or work hard in school I had to figure out how loved looked in my response. Does love ignore said actions? Does love yell, throw things, or scare them into obeying, working hard, or listening? Or does love choose to be apathetic, not to care about whatever they do?
Love does not let them tell me no because they don’t want to do it (disobedience). I get it. None of us like to do certain things but we have to. I have to cook, clean, wipe poopy butts, wash laundry, fold laundry, and teach…with a happy heart. Insert rolling eyes here (I fully admit my hypocrisy when it comes to my own heart…that comes later). Love does not task children with pages of work or building an airplane (or anything else they can’t physically or mentally do), but it may ask them to do one or two activity based papers in a day…or maybe copy some phonogram cards. And love sticks with them till they finish it. Even if it means cancelling other plans for the day. Love works hard.
Love starts every morning based on Lamentations 3:22-23 where it says that His mercies are new every morning, great is his faithfulness. Each morning I would beg the Lord to help me have patience, love, and enjoy my kids throughout the day and help them to work hard as well. Any issue from the day before was forgiven because this day was new. Yet, many days we couldn’t make it past breakfast without tears, whining, or complaints. Stubborn hearts refused to sing a helping song or answer a question at all. When one heart would harden it was amazing how quickly the others would follow. Yet love stays consistent and doesn’t give up.
Love gives consequences. This is the hardest part for me. As a mom, we want our kids to be happy, have fun, and play! But there are also times when it’s time to sit, listen, and work. I often remind all my kids of this to prepare them for what we are going to do: “We will have lots of time to play and do what we want today, but right now it’s time to sit, listen, and work hard.” Or remind them of a time when the did sit, listen, and work hard: “How did you feel when you sat, listened and worked hard yesterday?” “HAPPY!” “Yes! Let’s choose that today too!” And then I see the cloud form in their faces and my own heart drops. I could just punt for the day, but the character of obeying when you don’t want to is too important to me! So off they are sent upstairs to take a break. If that doesn’t work, I may take something they enjoy away to encourage them to work hard. My kids have missed swimming, movie nights, trampoline parks, and time with friends. I HATE IT. I really do, yet I find that love shows the consequences of unwise choices.
I think the consequence time is what has taught me the most. Us Craig’s really desire to train the hearts of our gifts from God. “Why” questions are our big ones. I hold pudgy hands and ask questions: “Did you trace the letter correctly?” “No.” “Why?” “Because I don’t want to do school.” “I get that. I don’t want to do a lot of things either. Are you happy right now?” “No.” “Who else isn’t happy?” “Mommy” “Yeah, Why?” “Because I disobeyed.” “What are you feeling?” “Miserable.” “Who else is miserable?” “Mommy.” “Yeah, what would make us both happy Buddy?” “Obeying.” “It really would. Do you want to try again?” This is the point where I cringe. I tell them they have all the power here. I can’t make them do anything, only they have the power to choose or not choose to obey. Most of the time they have the desire but when they go to do what was asked, I find that my little Pharaoh’s heart hardens again and they look at me and forcefully do what they know is wrong. Oh how my heart breaks. Oh how I want to not care and give up.
Many days of this beats me down yet I have had to remind myself of what love would do. And this is where my deep conviction comes, every time. Love stays. Love fights for what it loves. How do I know this? Jesus does it for me…every…Day.
My own heart does not want to listen (to my husband or God if I’m honest), my own heart disobeys, and I really don’t want to work hard. I want to be lazy or pay someone else to do what I don’t want to do. I want to make excuses for my sin rather than repent. It’s all there, I just hide it better than my kids. But I know that Jesus says he loves me. He loves my when I obey and he loves me when I don’t. I know that when I obey him I’m happy! When I don’t, I’m miserable. I also know that my sin misery affects the people around me too. Sin is ugly like that. But I also know that “if I confess my sins, He is faithful and just to forgive me of my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness” (1 Jn 1:9). He loves me know matter what. He will never say that He’s done with me, I’m a lost cause. He stays. Every time, begging me to repent and seek forgiveness because that’s what love does. In fact, He went further and paid the cost for my disobedience. He died my death. He gave me his righteousness. And he intercedes to the Father for me. How can I not model this for my kids? Sometimes we take their consequences, pay what they owe, so we can model to them what Christ did for us. Other times we don’t.
Love allows people to feel the uncomfortableness of unwise choices or dare I say, their sin. Paul write in Galatians 6:1Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.
Love does not tell a person, “It’s OK, don’t worry about it” after a sin has been made. Sin is not OK. It sent our Savior to the cross. Love teaches that sin is not OK and then models repentance and forgiveness on the basis of the One who I have hurt the most, forgives me the most. How can I not stay, forgive, and fight for my three little gifts? I can’t tell you how many times my anger got the best of me and I had to sit my kids down and confess it to them. Their quickness to forgive me often humbles my soul.
This has been my year. Honestly, it takes a lot of time, tears, and toil. I don’t see that changing any time soon. But I am determined to love these littles no matter what. I tell them I will never leave them. They are mine. I want them! I’m going to keep them. They smile. My heart warms and His mercies begin afresh. But I may be writing less! Insert a meek smile here.
If you can last a little longer, this song is worth a read:
What love could remember, no wrongs we have done
Omniscient, all-knowing, He counts not their sum
Thrown into a sea without bottom or shore
Our sins they are many, His mercy is more
What patience would wait as we constantly roam
What Father so tender is calling us home
He welcomes the weakest, the vilest, the poor
Our sins they are manty, His mercy is more
What riches of kindness He lavished on us
His blood was the payment His life was the cost
We stood ‘neath a debt we could never afford
Our sins they are many, His mercy is more
Chorus:
Praise the Lord
His mercy is more
Stronger than darkness
New every morn’
Our sins they are many, His mercy is more
Oh friend how I am in the trenches with you! So many lessons to be had by all. Loved reading your heart today.
Thank you for the reminder that our sin breaks the heart of God, Colleen. And you ae so right – we constantly sin and yet our God is willing to forgive us over and over.
I too love this song. We sing it often at our church. Thank you for sharing.