What I Always Wanted to Be

I wanted to be a lot of things when I was a kid: nun, police woman, vet, chemist, biologist, work for national geographic…but never a mom.  I wanted to race the boys, not kiss them.  I wanted to earn money by a paper route or being a dishwasher at pizza hut, not babysitting. I’d rather sit in a sermon than help with the nursery.  Don’t get me wrong, I respected moms, especially my own!  But I just never factored marriage in my life, let alone motherhood.

Life is strange.  I’m starting to see all the posts about momhood today and for some reason, I found myself reassessing my life.  Turning 40 this year didn’t cause an evaluation, but Mother’s Day has.  As I look back on my life I realize how blessed I have been to be raised in a Christian home with parents and siblings who loved me (most of the time ;0) ) and taught me about Jesus.  I was born in America where my opportunities as a woman to be educated, play sports, and dream big were encouraged rather than squashed.  Being a science and math nerd was not odd in my circles while in most of the world, these opportunities simply remain unfulfilled dreams for girls.  How spoiled I have been.

I went to college, got a job, bought a house, moved to Thailand, and filled up my passport like I always dreamed I would.  My eyes were opened to how privileged I truly was.  Most of the world lives with cockroaches and ants as housemates and clean water being bought rather than flowing from facets.  Rivers and other waterways function as tubs, bathrooms, and washing machines.  Many live in houses put together with no foundation or solid structure.  Electricity cannot be counted on and costs more than most can afford.  Yet the common thread which holds these populations together are the family and community.  They are the ones who encourage, invest, and comfort each other with the hardships and blessings of each day.  No matter how poor or rich a child is, the comfort they feel from the loving eyes and warm snuggles of a mom makes everything better.

I moved back to America, got married, went to seminary, moved to Japan, and then became a mom for the first time.  My life and perspective changed forever.  No longer was my world consumed with what I have to prove to the world, but rather, how I can prove my love to my daughter.  Then we fought four longs years to adopt two more beautiful babies making me a mom a third time.  Traveling to so many countries has made me realize that my babies don’t need a lot of stuff.  Toys only bring joy for a moment.  Food is consumed and gone.  Homes change every three years.  But their mom and dad remain.  More than anything in the world, they desire to be loved by me and daddy.  They want us to lie on the carpet so they can tackle us.  They want us to chase them with nerf swords and then tickle them till they can’t breath.  They want to sit on our laps and give them a hug before they go to bed.  They want to know that nothing they could ever do or not do would separate them from our love.  If I’m honest, I still want that from my mom and dad.  More than anything in the world.

As I chew this cud, I can’t help but realize this kind of unadulterated acceptance, joy, and comfort ultimately comes from my heavenly Father who has covenanted with me an everlasting love that is better than any population’s community or family.  He encourages, invests, and comforts me in my hardships and blessings.  He proved His love to me by sending His perfect son to live the sinless life I could never live and die the bloody death I deserve so my sins can be forgiven forever when I trust in Christ.  For God so loved me that He sent His only Son that when I believe in Him, I will never perish but have life that last forever.  Wow.  Wow.

This is the kind of love I desire to show my own kids as a mom.  To lay my life down for them.  To teach them that even though I love them to the moon and back, there is someone who loves them even more.  Someone that did lay His life down for them.

Being a mom is amazing and I wouldn’t change it for the world.  But on this mother’s day, I am reminded that the God who gifted me with these three wonders to make me a mom, loved me first and best.  Oh how thankful I am to be a child of the King.  This is truly what I always wanted to be.