Life. I think that it will get easier with each trial I go through or with each experience thrown my way. Isn’t that logical? Since there is nothing new under the sun, shouldn’t I be ready for whatever is pitched as I’ve seen it (or someone else has seen it) before? Sweet mystery of life! Doesn’t happen.
The past two weeks have thrown familiar themes my way and yet I’ve dealt with them poorly once again. Depression hit me like a load of seminary books falling from the empire state building and as much as I tried to cry (even by stubbing my toe, banging my head, and kicking the door…ok, maybe Im exaggerating a bit) I didn’t. I just wallowed in self pity and confusion refusing to change my attitude and not wanting release my rancid aura on innocent bystanders by leaving the house. My stubbornness then just spiraled my attitude even further into the pitiful pit. Ugh.
It was actually something my pastor said that brought me out. He admitted to having a spiritual slump awhile back and how he struggled with being a pastor, mature Christian, and seminary professor and yet still feeling depressed. Then he realized that no matter who we are or how much knowledge we have, we all still struggle spiritually at times. As a Christian, I can’t earn merit or live my life on my own and I have no “good deed” reserves from yesterday to lean on. The only thing I can boast in is the cross of Christ, His gift of life that conquered my sin and gives me hope for my future. My depression comes when I feel that I’ve failed in some “work” that I’ve done or haven’t done, but its not my works that God cares about. Im not judged by those even though I feel like I am at times. My struggles remind me of my humanness and sinful nature and that I need a Savior and have a Savior! What a huge and timely reminder for me!
All during this processing time and after, Barrett and I have been keeping busy with “life”: fighting colds, reading, studying, hanging with Betsy’s daughter, going camping, shooting guns (skeet, not people), wondering if the Rockies will make it, wanting the Sox to make it, taking midterms, cooking, cleaning, going to class, and hangin with friends. Finding a balance between work, fun, rest, ministry, and alone time is a constant battle. But that’s life, right?
Life. I think it should get easier…