Man, I feel like my body is falling apart. I have been married 3 months today and have had a painfully pulled left hamstring, a ghastly residual Thailand toe fungus, bewitching bladder infection, a horrendous hemorrhoid that just won’t quit, three fingers (roast beef, had none, and ran all the way home) scalded from tea pot steam, sinus infection, intense personality changing fever and bouts of extreme tiredness.
Barrett woke up yesterday and couldn’t walk on his right foot…again. We had to punt walking Betsy to the market as he hobbled around with her husband’s old cane and a tube of icy hot within reach. He has been fighting a belittling bad back, screaming sciatic nerve strain, and something weird in his foot for the past year as well. This morning he replies, “Looks like it’s my turn for God’s retribution!” We laughed…although somewhat uneasily.
This has been the first time in our lives when our bodies are acting old and its almost scary for me to realize I can’t do the stuff I used to. It has been an incredible time for me to realize not only how much I rely on the body and health that God has given me, but also how much I have taken it for granted. It has taught me the importance of rest and how much sleep and recreation time can do for my spiritual walk as well as my relationship with my husband (You know, the love filled conversations you have at night when the brain-mouth barrier has been broken by the extreme power of tiredness…uh, yeah).
Its easy to get into a works mentality here at seminary where I learn so much about applying my theology to my life…which is important, but when I try to apply every spiritual discipline that should be accrued or used in different seasons over a lifetime in one day, it becomes exhausting. I get in a go-go-go-mind frame and find myself in the throws of legalism and self-righteousness. By God’s grace, He slows me down…usually with an infirmity…to see the error and futility of trying to work to make my Father proud. I realize that every sickness or pain is not a resultant of sin, but it does give cause to pause and reflect for which I am thankful. When will I realize that there is nothing I can do to make my Gracious God love me more or less? When will I realize that my weaknesses and short comings draw me back to what Christ has done on the cross? When will it be that I will recognize that no matter how hard I try, I will never be a “good” Christian or even good person? If I could earn merit to make God more proud, that would mean that in a way, I am God…I did something He didn’t expect and had some kind of supernatural power in my works that brought me closer to him. Eegads! Lord help me not to say that what Jesus did on the cross wasn’t good enough!